There is Room for Mistakes – We Make the Space.

I was recently at a USC law event on campus and overheard an older divorce attorney loudly and proudly espousing the tactical benefits of getting an early restraining order against the other spouse in a divorce case.

“All the presumptions are against them for the rest of the case. They can’t get custody. Your client has all the settlement leverage.”

Gross.

Sometimes a spouse needs a restraining order if there is violence or other very real risks to themselves and their children.

But, that is not what the older divorce attorney was talking about. He was talking about manipulating the system to create a tactical advantage by turning the mistakes of his client’s ex into a landmine.

In doing so, he takes an extremely narrow view of what is in the best interest of his client, his client’s children, and the family’s future.

Short term “leverage”, long term damage.

Rebecca and I hold ourselves to a high standard. We strive to make our clients feel like we have thought of everything, so our clients don’t have to worry about something getting missed.

We strive to really get to know our clients, so they feel seen and supported through the process. We don’t lose our cool and we don’t make mistakes, because our clients need to be able to make mistakes.

It’s unhelpful and cruel to hold the position that neither spouse is allowed to make mistakes – but we see it all the time in court.

We know that divorce is one of the hardest things people can go through. We know that most people enter the divorce process depleted and dysregulated. We know that the process is filled with conflict.

There is no way not to make mistakes under those circumstances.

Rebecca and I believe that one of greatest services we offer is the creation of a co-mediation and divorce coaching container that allows our clients to be humans going through a challenging, unknown process, and make mistakes along the way.

Mistakes that, instead of being punished, serve as learning opportunities for everyone involved.

We do that in several ways.

First, with our lived experience. We’ve been where our clients are. We know how it feels. We know how we acted. And you better believe we each remember the mistakes we made and those we believe the other made.

Second, we have the ability to tell our clients ahead of time the common mistakes they will make and why they will make them. And maybe that results in a few less mistakes being made.

But for the ones still made, we have the ability to understand and empathize with the spouse making the mistake as well as the non-offending spouse being put in a challenging position because of it.

And, finally, we have the ability to keep the process on track despite the mistakes because we’ve built a process that anticipates and mitigates the mistakes versus punishing them.

So, if every single person who has gone through a divorce themselves and every single professional who has provided divorce services to those going through a divorce knows that both spouses will make mistakes, why is that attorney I came across so loudly and proudly taking advantage of those mistakes?

That divorce professional and those like him care about different outcomes than Rebecca and I do. But he’s part of a dying model.

We care about our clients – flaws, mistakes, and all – because their kids don’t see their flaws and mistakes. They just want their mom and dad to be better.

And we want that too.