The Parent Habit That Quietly Breaks a Child’s Trust

I have a client with a particularly adorable habit – she has coined a handful of whimsical expressions and casually peppers them into conversation as though they’re commonplace.

I’d like them to be – no one has ever accused the world of having too much whimsy. I’ve begun writing them down.

She recently introduced me to the concept of “future faking.” It’s when a parent makes promises about things that will happen in the future, forgets about it, and fails to follow through.

“I’m going to take you on a vacation this summer, just the two of us!”

But kids don’t forget.

Kids who excitedly tell their friends about these plans certainly don’t forget what it feels like to walk it back later. And the next time their parent casually narrates future plans, the child will either log it with cynicism or desperately believe again…only to be set up for a bigger fall later.

Is it lying? Probably not. Most parents don’t want to set their kids up to be disappointed or make it hard for their kids to trust them.

I’ve thought a lot about the word that best describes the animating energy underneath future faking. Thoughtless? Reckless? Selfish? Cruel?

That’s no doubt what the other parent who is left picking up the pieces when the future is revealed as fake is thinking.

But the parent engaging in the bad behavior likely isn’t thinking along those lines – there is a good chance they even mean well with their behavior.

I think the best word for the future faking parent’s behavior is “misguided”.

When a parent is getting divorced, the present moment often feels unbearable.

I can see the temptation – “we’re getting divorced, I am moving out of our home, but we’re also getting a puppy someday!” The parent is trying to make both themselves and the kids feel better about the situation.

But the parent is in survival mode and survival mode is all about getting your own needs met. Even the most thoughtful and considerate people are more self-centered when they are getting divorced.

It’s decidedly harder to think of how things are impacting other people, sometimes even your own kids.

Adults know that the future is never certain. Kids do not.

Future faking erodes trust at the best of times, but when parents are divorcing, it is especially important that kids can count on them.

The worst part of future faking isn’t that the child no longer trusts the parent. Sure, that happens sooner or later.  But in the moment, the child feels shame and confusion when they’re already dealing with an overwhelming life change.

Among many consequences, it can turn a child into an “antique dreamer” – another charming term from that same client - someone unwilling to trust even themselves with big ideas about the future.

They can only have small, secondhand dreams that they keep secret so they can’t be disappointed. Like all of the coping tools we adopt in childhood, it carries into adulthood.

During divorce, the stakes are high. One of the main goals should be to keep your word to your children. If that means answering a lot of questions with “I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out together”, that’s ok. 

Do your dreaming with others – stick to the facts with your kids.