Your Ex is Your Business Partner

Co-parenting well as a divorced couple is a business relationship.

It rarely works well if viewed by one or both parents as an interpersonal relationship. And there is almost zero chance it will work well if one or both parents are still operating interpersonally as they did during the marriage.

There is a team effectiveness model that organizational psychologist Richard Beckhard originally introduced back in the 1970’s called the GRPI.

It’s an acronym, and the letters stand for (G)oals, (R)oles, (P)rocesses, and (I)nterpersonal.

These four elements are then laddered from most important to least important as follows:

• Goals

• Roles

• Processes

• Interpersonal Relationships

So goals are MOST important and interpersonal relationships are LEAST important.

But if a team is struggling and you ask team members why, they will almost always point to interpersonal issues (e.g. Randy mansplains during meetings and he is always microwaving fish for lunch). 

But the real cause of the issue is almost always unclear goals or unclear roles.

Think of a personally annoying co-worker with whom you work closely but who is also very good at their job. That annoyance likely becomes corporate quirkiness.

But if that same co-worker is also bad at their job, their role overlaps with yours, or they refuse to follow agreed upon team protocol, you probably hate that guy.

This team effectiveness model works incredibly well in a co-parenting dynamic because the interpersonal issues are both loud and central.

The co-parents’ interpersonal relationship has failed to such a degree that they are getting divorced – a decision almost no one wants to have to make. And there are usually years, if not decades, of interpersonal issues that have accumulated in the divorce decision. 

She never acknowledges my contributions. He always has to be right. This dance can, and often does, go on forever.

But the GRPI model helps change the tune.

Old Goals as spouses: being seen or understood by each other; having your feelings or contributions acknowledged by the other.

New Goals as co-parents: effectively co-parenting your children to maximize the love and support they receive from each parent and to minimize their exposure to parental conflict.

Old Roles as spouses: romantic partners, nervous system co-regulators, confidants, scapegoats.

New Roles as co-parents: on duty co-parent and off duty co-parent.

Old Processes as spouses: explaining why you think you deserve or your spouse owes you something; combining parenting and emotional issues in discussions.

New Processes as co-parents: communicating only about necessary co-parenting topics and logistics; avoiding potential conflict around the children; having emotional boundaries with each other.

Old Interpersonal Relationship as spouses: failed romantic relationship, blame, distrust, fear.

New Interpersonal Relationship as co-parents: none initially- but if you stick to your shared goals and agreed roles and processes, perhaps a new interpersonal relationship (family, allies, friends) becomes possible in the future.

Kobe and Shaq famously had interpersonal issues.  But they knew their goal, their roles, and the team processes. And they won three NBA championships.

Almost every parent wants what is best for their kids.

But not every parent going through a divorce gets the support and education they need to be able to make the transition from failed romantic partners to divorced co-parents.

Our clients do.