The Agreement Divorcing Co-Parents Need First

I often tell people who ask me about the experience of co-parenting with an ex-spouse that I can’t imagine a more complicated adult relationship (to be fair, no one has asked me this question since Rebecca and I also became business partners).

You had an initial relationship that likely had the full arc of highest highs and lowest lows. But the end of most relationships is a forever parting. Whether you end on good or bad terms, you likely don’t see or speak to each other and, if you do, you almost never remain a central person in each other’s lives.

But if you are a co-parent who endeavors to put your children first, then the other co-parent must remain a central person in your life. You must see and communicate with them regularly.

And, if you are truly putting your children first, you need to be able to see and communicate with your co-parent with no or very little tension and conflict. Remember, it isn’t divorce that damages kids – it is prolonged exposure to parental conflict.

But what do you do with the scientifically proven fact that, upon entering the same room as your ex-spouse, your brain immediately triggers a threat response as though your ex-spouse were a bear, wolf…or at least an unfamiliar Doberman?

Your heart rate increases, your breath quickens, your muscles get tense, and you are flooded with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol.

What’s more, you go back in time. When two people with a history of conflict share space again, their bodies react as though the past conflict is happening now. No bueno.

You may have heard the expressions “the body keeps the score” or “issues in your tissues.” The nervous system imprint for that conflict will not go away on its own. It takes education, healing, and a track record of healthy new behavior to replace the echo of the damaging old behavior.

Knowing this, you cultivate a successful co-parenting relationship in two primary steps: (i) respectfully and amicably ending the romantic relationship and (ii) respectfully and thoughtfully establishing a new co-parenting relationship.

The co-parenting relationship cannot be built on the foundations of the romantic relationship – that relationship didn’t and doesn’t work.

Establishing a new relationship while ending an old relationship at the same time is no easy task. It requires first agreeing on a shared vision, lived values, and acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in the pursuit of living those values. Anyone who has read a management book would nod along to this in theory. But Rebecca and I put it in writing for our clients. We make it real.

Suddenly, before the legal divorce process even starts, there’s a behavioral playbook. An objective resource to turn to when the learning curve of changing relationship types inevitably gets too steep and someone stumbles.

We just co-mediated the drafting of one of these agreements with our clients last week, and in one week’s time we’re already seeing a huge shift in how they interact. Cleaner, faster, less drama.

The average divorce attorney has very likely never drafted such an agreement and most likely has no idea what I am even talking about.

“How is this a legal issue, Chris!?”

Would you start a business without a business plan? Would you start a trial without a theory of the case?

We’re building the foundation for the most complicated relationship two people will likely ever have. This isn’t just touchy feely. This is an upfront strategic investment that reduces conflict throughout the process, resulting in less time and lower professional fees to reach agreement on legal, financial, and co-parenting issues.