Our divorce story and the beginning of Redefining Family.
Chris and I got divorced seven years ago. We’re launching a business together this month. The best way to explain what we’re doing is to go back to the beginning.
Our story is similar to a lot of people who couple up with no idea how to build a solid foundation for a relationship – or even know that’s part of the gig. Most people did not grow up having healthy relationships modeled for them and the culture simply doesn’t teach it.
We went into marriage with the tools we had and a lot of optimism. Over a decade, there were big wins – fancy degrees, prestigious jobs, homes and cars, vacations, and kids. But the losses also mounted – slights and digs, fighting, rejection, and revealing deep incompatibilities. Over time, we each found ourselves unseen, unsupported, and alone. Feeling resentful, confused, and exhausted seemed to be the only thing we could agree on. We went into counseling. We read books on attachment, communication, intimacy, parenting, etc. We slept in separate rooms.
We were overachievers. Winners. And winners never quit.
The decision to divorce didn’t fall into our laps. It didn’t feel destined or correct. There was no mutuality, peace, or cooperation when the choice was made. Only pain, sadness, ambivalence, and fear. It was the end of our optimism and the beginning of the hardest, loneliest journey yet.
We started to clumsily project manage our divorce.
While there was anger and blame that would take years for each of us to independently process, the priority we shared was protecting our very small children from shame and damage. We would be lying if we said our standing in the community, our professional reputations, and our financial positioning weren’t also on our list of priorities.
So we got to work. First, we set ground rules. For example, no badmouthing the other parent in front of the children, ever. No exceptions. We did great with that. Other challenges like navigating friends and family? Not so great. We stumbled a lot, but we learned how to get through it by doing things the right way and the wrong way.
And then there were the realities of living independently. Rebecca knew nothing about finances beyond liking the color of her American Express card. Chris almost had a panic attack in a big box store trying to buy tools for his empty kitchen drawers.
Getting educated on simple living was humbling and relentless.
Now, years later, we know divorce was the right choice for us. We are each better, happier, and more evolved people with a much bigger toolbox than we could have imagined. The connections we have with our children are more authentic – not least because we are living more authentically ourselves and with more capacity to appreciate the fleeting time that is having school aged children.
We want to give parents on this journey the support we didn’t have and a vision for a different outcome than the divorce industry’s status quo. As the only formerly married, currently co-parenting family law practice in California, we know better than anyone how to manage the crisis that is divorce for the whole family and we’re doing it by going further than mediation, negotiation, and contract drafting with our Integrated Divorce Method. Our method adds 1:1 coaching, somatic regulation, co-parenting education, and everything else we wish was available when we needed it most.
Stay tuned for more in this bi-monthly newsletter where Chris and I alternate sharing about divorce, co-parenting, and lessons learned from doing hard things.
